UptownCental - Humor

Dear Blue States

2007-05-01T13:20:00.001-07:00

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

Sincerely,

The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.

It's Tax Time

2007-03-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Hillary Clinton Joke

2007-02-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how so you propose we go about that, asked Bill? Well, Hillary responds, We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America,and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there".

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the Bartender takes a step back and says, " aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?" Hillary answers, "yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmer came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. 'Tell me' said Hillary, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no,' said the bartender. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ass holes!".

The History of the World

2007-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and thatwas the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be passed on immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

Politically Correct Version of 'The Night Before Christmas!'

2006-12-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

A special treat for all the readers who like a good laugh.

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened"

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in over-due compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific

No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological

No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you've got to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere ... even you
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"

Season's Greetings

2006-12-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

To my Democrat friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

To my Republican friends:

Here's wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

In The Email

2006-11-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him aCanteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, Rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it toYour friends. I just did.

Comment: I don't completely agree with this but I did think it was funny.

Feminist Lightbulb

2006-10-29T18:31:00.000-08:00

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 10. One to change it, the other 9 to form a support group.

Bin Laden Observations

2006-08-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official, Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno

PC Little Red Riding Hood

2006-08-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable
competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop and alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure" said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

The Ant and The Grasshopper

2006-08-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, laughs, and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, laughs, and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grass-hopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". Finally, the EOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of multi-generation welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Vote Republican!!

Democrat Campaign Slogan

2006-08-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

Vote Democrat ... It's easier than getting a job.

How Many Democrats Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

2006-08-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

Four hundred and seventy one

12 to investigate the Texas Oil Industries involvement in the failure of the old bulb,

23 to reregulate the light bulb industry,

16 to demand funding for alternative lighting R&D,

34 to increase the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start >buying more 110-volt bulbs,

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,

40 to fully fund a new "volunteer" youth program which guarantees $10.00 per hour for anyone who can write an essay about why the environment and whales will be saved if light bulbs are changed,

43 to organize a protest including the NAACP, NEA and AFL-CIO to demand reparations for all building janitors who have slaved to change light bulbs all by themselves for decades,

35 to take polls in California to prove that if the bulb really needed to be changed, Californians would have already formed an encounter group, funded a multi cultural task force and have assigned gay and transsexual experts,

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead, and

165 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

Solving a Problem: Liberal Vs. Conservative

2006-08-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:
Shoot the son of a bitch! Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs with apple pie, sing the national anthem, go to church and praise the Lord for one more day of freedom.

If Noah Built The Ark Today ...

2006-08-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living things on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the plans and specifications for the Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

... and six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a waiver from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ...but no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demandedthat I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself." "What is that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Words: "Big Government."

Osama Joke

2006-08-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Osama is worry about his future and calls Miss Cleo for advice. She said " Osama it does not look good at all you are going to die! Osama nervously asked, " When, When will I die?” Miss Cleo said, "It will be on an American holiday". "Which American holiday?” Miss Cleo said, "It does not matter. “When you die it will be an American holiday".

Political Elderly Joke

2006-08-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day; I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?".

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, and he glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a bumper sticker on it, "Elect John Kerry".

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Some Whats The Difference Jokes

2006-08-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Republican Loyalty Quiz

2006-08-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

I found this great quiz. It was so funny. I got a 10 out of 10. Can you, give it a try. And post your result.

There is one for Democrats too, it has a bunch of the same question, but some of the answers change. I got a 1 out of 10. Can you?

Note: The quiz is scored on a 1 to 10 scale.

The French, Ha

2006-08-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

An American Soldier is on a train in Western Europe. He is using a crutch to aid his movement, due to an injured right leg. He has seen long combat and is very tired. He ambles up and down the crowded train, looking for a seat. He cannot find one, until he reaches the front car. There is an 'empty' seat, next to a French woman, but her female poodle, Fifi is in it. The soldier asks, "Ma'am, I am really tired, may I sit in that seat?" She replies, "Oh, you Americans, you are so rude, no, you may not sit in this seat. My dog is sitting here."

The soldier sighs, and walks back down the train, looking dutifully for a place to sit, to no avail.

He hobbles back to the first car, approaches the French woman, and says, "Ma'am, I couldn't find a seat on this entire train, and I'm really tired. Do you think I could sit in that seat? I'll even keep your dog in my lap." She replies, indignantly, "Oh, you Americans, you are so arrogant, so insolent, no, you may not sit in this seat."

With that, the soldier heaves a large sigh, and bends down, picks up the dog, and throws it out the window, and sits down. She begins shrieking, "Oh, Oh, won't anyone defend me against this brutish American?" An elder British gentleman, sitting across the aisle, begins to speak in a calm, reserved voice, "Well, you Americans do seem to get it wrong most of the time. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

23 Political Truths

2006-08-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey (1992)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastia
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran (1995)
In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. --Author Unk.
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer (1891)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. --P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley O'Rourke
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. --P.J. O'Rourke (Jack Carey)

Hillary for '08

2006-08-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Great video making fun of Hillary Clinton. See it here.

Great Bill and Hillary Clinton Joke

2006-08-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. She meets St. Peter at the Gates, and notices thousands of clocks. "What are all these clocks for?" she asks St. Peter. "Each person has one," he replied. "They start at midnight, and every time someone tells a lie, it moves ahead one minute. This one is Mother Teresa's. She never lied, so it never moved. This one is George Washington's. He told only two, so it is at two minutes past midnight."
Hillary looks around and asks, "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Viagra For The UN

2006-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to an article Bill O'Reilly wrote for Townhall.com that states that Viagra would be the solution for the UN impotency problem. Its a funny quick read.

So Much For Liberal Intelligence

2006-07-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

A LIBERAL was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Liberal"

The Liberal then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Liberal checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Liberal opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Liberal?"